Toxic Family Dynamics: Managing Connections and Cutoffs.

A visual portrayal of toxic family dynamics, illustrating conflict and communication breakdowns against a backdrop of corrosive tension.

Family ties have been defined as “the strong bonds and connections that exist between family members, often characterized by mutual love, support and shared experiences.”

But where in this definition does it say unconditional and without boundaries?

And yet so many believe that family means unconditionally standing with them even in the face of toxicity, abuse of all kinds, and the perpetuation of intergenerational trauma.

Blood is thicker than water

While at the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium a few weeks ago, I attended a Keynote about how common “cutting people off” has become specifically in the current political climate.

This really got me thinking:

When did cutting off toxic family become an option?

It certainly wasn’t something past generations talked about. Back then, walking away from family—even for good reason—was practically unheard of. “Blood is thicker than water,” they said, as if that somehow justified all the pain and dysfunction that went unaddressed within family systems.

But here’s the thing…That quote? It’s misused. The original phrase is:“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”Which actually means the opposite of how most people use it.

"Why More People Are Saying 'No More' to toxic Family"

So, why is this happening more often now?

I blame therapy in the best possible way. As of very recently, the idea of therapy has become less stigmatized and dare I say, even…celebrated?!

Patterns have been repeated from generation to generation or at the very least taken on by the victims in the form of a DSM diagnosis. I see therapy as a tool for liberation. The way therapy and mental health awareness are reframing traditional notions of family is insightful.

As therapy becomes less stigmatized, people are more empowered to understand that they have the right to protect themselves and set boundaries, even with family members. "It's giving people the language and tools to say: "This doesn't work for me anymore."

"The Power of Information and Community"

Increased access to information is another reason I believe this is becoming a more frequent and easier occurrence than it once was.

Communities of other like-minded individuals that can validate thoughts and feelings that may not be validated in their own homes or within their own families.

Communities of people that can help one realize that the intergenerational trauma or boundary crossing that has been normalized their entire life despite the negative feelings they get from it is not actually normal or healthy. 

Welcome to The CoTenacious Collective!

"Politics, Morals, and the Breaking Point"

The Symposium keynote highlighted the political element.

In recent years, politics has moved far beyond taxes and economic policy—it now touches the core of human rights, values, and identity.

This has created irreparable rifts in families who once considered themselves close.

Some people are realizing that the people they love may now stand for things they cannot reconcile with.

When your morals and identity are invalidated or attacked by someone you love, the idea of “just agreeing to disagree” loses its meaning.

"The Emotional Cost-and Liberation-of Boundaries"

I have been working with clients for years on their intergenerational trauma and breaking these cycles. The problem is, it is not possible to control your loved ones and how they choose to behave or their viewpoints. This is hard for many to reconcile because they desperately want to continue to have these loved ones in their lives but as they experience, process and reflect on what that means they begin to realize that in this scenario two things cannot be true at once. They cannot progress and break the cycles of intergenerational trauma while constantly being pulled back by a loved one who is unwilling to have the same goal.

In other words: You can't heal in the same environment that hurt you.

As clients process this they share that guilt is a constant recurrence because of that age old mindset that “blood is thicker than water” and that it is unnatural to not speak to loved ones. That guilt eventually gets to a place where they begin to realize that- family is about love not blood.

Sometimes, you can still love someone and know you need space from them.

Sometimes, you can be there in times of true crisis—but still hold firm boundaries for everyday interactions.

And sometimes, your deepest sense of family comes not from those you were born to, but those you choose.

The Power of Chosen Family

Chosen family is real, and it can be healing.

When you build relationships rooted in mutual respect, shared values, and reciprocal care, those bonds often feel more supportive than biological ones.

"This Isn't About 'Cutting Off'- It's About Boundaries."

Let me be clear: I am not condoning the act of cutting family members off at the first sign of conflict or discomfort. What is being referred to as “cutting off” is in reality boundary setting to protect your mental, emotional, and physical safety.

Most are not ghosting their families or disappearing with no forwarding address. They are simply saying:

"Here's what I need to feel safe and respected."

That could mean limited contact.

It could mean skipping the holidays.

It could mean removing access to your children.

And that is valid.

Limits and boundaries are something I fully support and condone as a therapist because while family is something that is usually so very special and valuable, so is one’s mental, emotional and physical safety. 

The only people who get upset when boundaries are set are those who benefited from you not having them in the first place.

Looking for more on this topic?

Check out Family Ties that Bind by Ronald Richardson at Bookshop.org (we are affiliates and may collect a small portion of commission for items purchased through our link.

Feel free to share your thoughts and comment below.